Smiles and giggles

It's been a long two weeks since my treatment on the 13th.  My body is doing strange things in reaction to the chemo. 

I've determined a pattern for the last 4 treatments.  I want to include this as informational and not as complaining.  I realize that my experience could be so, so much worse.
Thursday--Chemo day and body good
Friday-- Good day
Saturday and Sunday--Extreme fatigue and most time resting.
Monday thru Sunday--My throat and mouth have this unusual white coating that causes even more nausea than the chemo.  It feels like I have this terrible cold.  A dry hacking cough ends up in my chest.  I spoke with Dr. Ward's nurses and after explaining these symptoms received the explanation that they had never heard of someone reacting this way and that it must just be my body's way of dealing with the chemo.  Suggestions were given to try a humidifier and maybe my mouth was reacting this was because of dry mouth so to try Biotene. These are my most discouraging days.
Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday my mouth, fingers and feet feel like they are experiencing a chemical burn, but at the same time my energy levels are coming back and I start feeling much better.  It is really good to have good days to renew my body and spirit.  I am really learning to appreciate good health and feeling good.

Bishop Elliott is one who asks me regularly why I smile all the time.   My answer is that I have the gospel in my life and that is joy and gives me a constant reason to smile.  Smiling helps overcome any discouragement I may feel in life and provides a positive attitude in the day.

I received a message from Amanda Larsen that she had been in the grocery store and saw a bright, cheery bouquet reminding her of my bright, cheery smile when I enter a room.   They were on my front porch to brighten my day.  During the week  several friends asked if they could come and see me.  

 

They wanted to see my bright, cheery smile.

Annette and Sara brought with them another bright and beautiful bouquet.  I will completely enjoy the brightness of these flowers, when I'm too tired to smile.

I was lying in bed feeling very discouraged (night times are the worst) and wondered, "I feel so crummy, will I ever smile like I have in the past?"    Of course the answer is yes and the reason for the smile has not changed in any way.  I smile because I love my Savior and the life he has given me.  I smile because of the sacrifices that have been made in my behalf and because of the tender mercies I have been given, especially the past few months.  The feeling of crumminess will not overpower the smile.

Another Post from my friend Jen Eborn's blog.

Look Good... Feel Better

The title is very deceiving if you ask me. I don't know that if you look good that you actually do feel better, however, for this adventure I will say this...the beauty that surrounded me during this event was far more than one would ever be able to state in a mere blog post. :)

My beautiful friend Tammy is about to start the downhill slide of her chemo treatments but not before attending a class they provided to her that would open up my eyes a little more and allow Tammy to embrace this new found beauty she sees as her reflection each and every morning.

When I picked up Tammy Thursday evening I immediately worried. She looked so tired. Her cheeks were sunken in and I could tell by just how she was carrying herself that she was a little 'off'. Now she had some family trials come up the previous few days before but it wasn't that and so I double checked that she was feeling up to attending. And true to Tammy being stellar..she said yes. We visited on our way up to the hospital (and I will admit that I LOVE this time with my friend!) and were soon heading up the elevator. And then we were welcomed by some beautiful ladies who were there to put on this 'class' if you will.

As we sat a couple of more ladies arrived and sat down. One gal that I can't seem to get out of my mind even a few days later, could not have been much older than I am. And she was here for round two (yes 2) of cancer. My heart sunk at learning that. Here sat a beautiful young woman, who shared with us that she is a Mom to three boys, and she was having to deal with this horrible disease for a second time. I sat and thanked my Heavenly Father for strength as I sat among these women...whose strength will far exceed mine. Ever.

The FREE bag of goodies that Tammy got to play with (& take home!)

Practicing what was being taught

Eye makeup

I take for granted more often than not (okay, I usually complain about my eyelashes and how I need to be sure to put mascara on so they won't twine together throughout the day!) my eyelashes, my eyebrows...my hair on my head. I find myself complaining about having to do this to my hair or if I just didn't have to worry about makeup, etc. And then I am humbled in an outing. And I am taken back by the beauty of the most strong woman I know!

Finishing touches

Tammy is so beautiful. And yes, she didn't feel well (she admits it now) that night. She didn't have to pick me to share in this experience with her, but she did. I didn't just get an opportunity to see true, pure, real beauty but rather I got to witness the spirit and strength of real honor. Real courage.

I am truly amazed at the strength of not just Tammy but of all the women that were sitting around the tables that evening. I am so grateful I had the opportunity to witness as each of them had their 'shining moment' in their own handheld mirror that evening. But most importantly, I am so grateful to have this amazing woman in my life.

Half way there

I was so blessed to have KelliJo join me again on Saturday, February 8th.  Kelly had a sales training trip to Memphis and it was good not to be alone while he was gone.

I was able to teach Sunday School on Sunday, but as the week progressed, I didn't feel the greatest.  The biggest problem I was experiencing was burning on the feet, the fingers and especially the mouth.  Anything I ate burned in the mouth, so I just forced the food down.  Emotionally I was in much better shape, probably because of the sweet Saturday I had just experienced and because my KelliJo was with me and we had some great visits.

Wednesday brought a much better day and we decided to pay a visit to the Jordan River Temple.  The temple brings such strength to my life and the new films teach on such a deeper level. I am learning so much about Celestial Marriage and Adam and Eve's role in this wonderful plan of Salvation.  How incredibly obedient they were and such a great example of endurance.  I love the display of love given by our Father to his son for the willingness to provide a Savior for us.  I am grateful for the greater knowledge I am receiving as I attend the temple and I'm especially grateful that Heavenly Father has helped me to feel well enough to attend and be strengthened by my attendance.  It was a sweet day to be back at the temple with Kelli.  I think it's the first time I've been with her since her return to the temple.  Makes a Momma beam.

Yeah!!!!!! Thursday brought the halfway mark for chemo.  It was good to have KelliJo with me on this halfway mark.  We spent time visiting and she shared some of her ideas about the family picture  book she is creating for Kelly and I.  Unfortunately, she wasn't feeling well and left to visit a Urgent care clinic.  As the evening progressed she learned that she had the flu.   That brings a whole other story that I hope she will share in this blog.


Nurse for the day and the last infusion for Devil's Blood. 

It seems that everyone at the Huntsman was encouraging about this halfway benchmark.  I've been told that this next chemo is not so hard on the body, so that makes me optimistic.  Here's hoping!!!!

52 was too young too die!

We recieved the news that Kelly`s baby sister died on Wednesday evening.  She had been battling COPD for a very long time and it finally took it`s toll.  As I contemplate her life, I remember her as a rolly polly cute little girl who grew up into a tall slender beautiful young woman.  Born Novemer 19,1961--Died February 11, 2014.  I wished I had known more of the dashes in her life.  She loved her family.  Her core family was her everything. She lived for her husband, her son, her daughter and especially for her granddaughter Shayln.  They will miss her love and her smile as will we all.   She had a great laugh that I loved to hear.  As the days progress I will try to remember the good times we had to together and share here.

Who needs hair when you have hats and scarves!!!

Substitute Valentines Day

Saturday the 8th I slept in late.  If I wasn't going to feel well I was going to stay in bed.  My bed and I have become very good friends.  SURPRISE--my sweet Kelly brought breakfast in bed to me.  I honestly don't remember the last time I was treated to breakfast in bed, but I'm sure it was when the kids were little.  Scrambled eggs, toast and orange juice and lucky me, he joined me!!!

He had invited me to have an early Valentines Dinner this day, knowing that my next chemo was the day before Valentines Day.  I had been looking forward to the day all week and praying that I would start to feel better.

It would be an early dinner around 3:00 to beat the rush.  We drove into the Chili's parking lot and when I entered the restaraunt there stood our son TJ and his sweet family.  I threw myself into his arms and starting sobbing.  What a special treat to have Valentines with family.  Kelly said, "You haven't seen any of the kids since Christmas and I thought you needed a grandkid fix."   All had been invited, but given varying circumstances, TJ's family was the only one able to come. After lunch was ordered, Nicole presented me with a big red tub labeled "Nicole's Gift of Love".  Enclosed was a beautiful porcelan doll made by Nicole and Stephanie.  After having her hair cut, they had searched for someone to make a wig for me from her hair.  Finding it too costly it was determined that a doll using her hair and some of Jessica's hair would be created.  My heart is too full to express the love I feel for each of my children and this certainly was a tremendous way to lift my spirits after a long couple of months.

After having a wonderful lunch with Kelly, TJ, Stephanie, Nicole, Shaelynn, Casey, Taylor and Joslyn, the Harman's made their way home, beating the rain and ice on the roads to Pocatello.  KelliJo arrived out home about 5:00 that evening.  I was blessed to have her come and spend the week with me while Kelly went to Memphis for training.  My life is blessed with wonderful, caring family.

Treatment 3

Treatment 3 came and went without too much fanfare.  Upon entering the Lab, it was determined that there was some infection around the port due to a stitch that had come out the night before.  Rather than risk introducing infection into my blood system, we had the lovely experience of using a vein in the arm.  I hope that will be the only time I have to use a vein. It was a bit uncomfortbable.

My neighbor in the next cubicle was Brother Churcher.  He said he was in the last of his chemo and they were preparing him for radiation.  His father n law, Brother Backman was there with him.  They were much quieter than the chatting gossipy women next to them.  I hope we weren't too much of a bother. 
I have had so many offers from friends to take me to the hospital and I feel very blessed by their friendships and know that I will not lack for any kind of help I might need.  Rae Reid was my escort for the day and it was fun to spend the day with her. Rae and I chatted and chatted and laughed and laughed.  My nurse was (YEAH) Tawny again.  She has such a special aura about her and I love having her as my nurse.  Kelly arrived during the treatment just to check on how things were going and Tawny started teasing him that she had heard all about him.  Funny how we conveniently couldn't remember anything we had told her.  As I was leaving I told Tawny that I would love to have her as my nurse everytime.  She assured me that she could arrange that.  We'll see what session 4 brings.

Friday I worked and did well.  I really had been wanted a chicken fried steak all week.  Kelly suggested KFC.  Unfortunately it's only served on Tuesday so I opted for Chicken Pot Pie.  Of course, once home I went to bed early.  Saturday and Sunday were fairly good days.  I rested when needed.  Sunday I attended the West Mountain Ward with Kelly and sat with the Georges.  The rest of the day was spent resting.

Monday was a day at work again.  I was very tired, but not as fatigued as I had felt in the past, however, I was feeling more nausea than in the past.  As the week progressed I experienced more nausea than in the past and had just overall feeling of not feeling well.  I called Dr. Ward's nurses and the only thing we could determine is that I had caught another bug.  Uggghh.  I started with the cold medicine again and by Saturday morning I was beginning to feel better.  Emotionally I have been in a better place this week, but still a little discouraged with the additional illness that seem to hit me. 

Thursday as I retired to bed, I noticed that the balls and heals of my feet were bright red, swollen and burning.  My fingertips, the back of my throat and my mouth are all very red and burning as well.  The nurses informed me this was just a side effect of the chemo.  My poor body is in kind of sad shape, but hey I'm alive, I can work and I am happy.  I love my life!!!!!!

Not the typical love story

Our 1976 Engagement Picture

Our love story is not the typical fairy tale love story.  We met at 11 and 12 years old.  Our family's spent a fun summer swimming, boating and playing games and then lost track of each other.  It was years later while I was at Ricks, we met up again.  We had a whirlwind romance, engaged in 2 weeks and married in 4 months, not something I would recommend.  We got off to a rocky start and that rocky road continued for 10 years.  We began a family quickly.  We were expecting Bambi 2 weeks after we were married.  She was 18 months old when we brought T.J. into the world.  T.J. as 14 months old when Kelli Jo joined us and Kelli Jo was 3 when Casey finally came and then returned back to his Heavenly Home.  During those first 10 years there were many ups and many downs.  Many friends and family never expected that we would get through those times.  There were times we didn't think we would get through those times.  I reflect on pictures and remember so many, many good times and then so many difficult times.  Kelly always had this great big, tremendous heart.  He was always charismatic and loveable.  He draws people to him with ease.  With the difficult times in our lives, we always had love for each other, but sometimes that love wasn't as firmly set as it should have been.  We endured.  Despite his questioning of the gospel in his life, I, as wife always understood his love of God and his desire to serve God, even when it didn't really seem that way.  Gratefully the Lord always encouraged me on teaching me about his strengths.  The Lord always put good people in our home and lives to guide us and encourage us.  Bishops' and Home Teachers influenced Kelly's learning and helped him to personally overcome challenges that faced him.

There are many experiences, challenges, etc. that I would share, but will leave to my own heart for contemplation and understanding.  The Lord has been a constant influence in our lives, especially during the trials we were blessed to experienced.  The loss of our 5 month old son strengthened us individually and as a family.  We learned the importance of eternal families and working toward that end.  As we watched our daughter share a child through adoption with another family, our testimony was strengthened by the ultimate Christlike love shared by families, ours, the baby's fathers (our daughter especially) and the adopted family.

Now as we go though this experience of cancer, we are drawing together as a couple.  I feel Kelly's deep love for me as his eternal companion.  As he wraps his arms around me I feel his priesthood and husband protection and that has gotten me through many dark and scarey hours.  He reminds me to wear my mask, to lay down when I'm tired and he cares for me in the most special ways.  He is teaching our children, through example, what it is to be a caring, priesthood husband, protecting and caring for me in the most intimate ways.  Even just by a loving glance.

I have learned just how much more I love him.  It's more that just being comfortable with each other as we were, but not taking one another for granted.  We acknowledge one another.  The good night snuggle, not just a kiss. The goodbye kiss in the morning, never knowing what the day brings.  This has been one of the blessings to come out of this experience we call cancer.  I pray this growth and love continues forward in strength that we may have another 37 years together.  I love you Kelly Harman, forever and always.  You are my knight in shining armor and my hero for the great adversities you have overcome in your live and for the man you have become.!!!  My life is and always has been improved and enriched with you in it.