Hard Week

Hard Week

So it's been a hard week.  It seems I do okay on Friday after chemo, just exhausted when I return home from work.  Saturday and Sunday I spend most of the day in bed, sleeping.  Wow! I never knew I could sleep so much.  Since Monday was a holiday I got to rest most of the day, except the time at Creative Wigs.  Tuesday and Wednesday were very hard days.  I went to work, was a bit nauseated and extremely fatigued.  I come home from work and Kelly takes care of me.  We have been blessed to have meals brought in and he feeds me then sends me to bed.  This week I've had a hard time sleeping and I find that I'm very emotional, probably because I feel so lousy and the lack of sleep.  Tuesday I knelt down for prayers and cried for 15 minutes. Wednesday I did the same thing.  Are you kidding me?  Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm a cry baby, but this is ridiculous.  Thursday morning was a tough morning, but by afternoon, I was feeling much better.  Yeah for me!!!!!
Thursday night rolled around and I was physically feeling better, but was an emotional wreck.  I knew that when I went to bed I was going to sleep like a log because I was so tired.  Not so.  I lay very calm for an hour waiting for sleep to come and instead anxiety came like a fitful tiger.  All types of scenarios were playing my head.  I was complaining silently about how hard this is.  Fatigue is the most difficult.  Fatigue, that even when you just stand for a few moments your body feels like it's going to drop.   I was complaining to Heavenly Father that I didn't want to do this, knowing all the while that this is the cure and the way. 

Finally, my mind went to my pioneer ancestors, Mary Ann Kennedy Bird that experienced most all of the mobbings in church history was driven from her home time and time again.  She gave birth during most major events in church history.   I reflected on Mary Rogerson that was in the Martin Handcart Company with 5 of her 7 children and no husband to help.  She crossed rivers in the middle of winter, faced starvation and freezing limbs but went on with faith and courage.  If these two women could do those difficult things, I can do this.  Then my mind went to thinking about only being down two treatments with 6 to go.  It's going to be a long couple of months. Anxiety is so real and not a pleasant experience.  For several hours I pleaded with Heavenly Father to help me, to calm my troubled heart, and wipe away those crazy tears.  A voice whispered sing a song.  So while lying next to Kelly I sang in my head over and over again "I Know That My Redeemer Lives".  That is song becoming my go to song.

He lives to grant me rich supply.
He lives to guide me with his eye.
He lives to comfort me when faint.
He lives to hear my soul's complaint.
He lives to silence all my fears.
He lives to wipe away my tears.
He lives to calm my troubled heart.
He lives all blessings to impart. 

I sang it in my head over and over and over until I literally felt His loving arms wrapped around me, comforting me and soothing away my anxiety.  At that instant I knew him, I really knew him and I knew he knew me.  What a tremendous gift.  At that moment I felt his love deeply.

Finally, after several hours, sleep came.

Friday was a much better.  I worked without much fatigue and enjoyed the evening with Kelly.  As I sat watching television with him, I realized that my life is very self absorbed right now and I don't like that much.  There's not much I can do about it during the week following chemo, but I have decided that on the nights I am just sitting I will find a way to serve.  Indexing family names is going to my ongoing project during this time.  Maybe by focusing on those that have need of our help, it will take the focus of the misery I think I feel.
So I'm finding that I have a very difficult week following chemo and then a pretty good week.  I think I can do this!!!!