Temple Blessings

This week has been amazingly better.  I was able to walk with Kelly last Thursday for 15 minutes.  A 15 minute walk feels like an hour and half hard work out, but worth it.  The nausea had subsided and my energy level was beginning to increase.  By Saturday I was able to clean house, rest and spend a nice evening with Kelly returning dishes.  Sunday, gratefully, I was able to attend all three of my church meetings and taught my Sunday School class.  Sara Mallet has been called as my team teacher and she is AMAZING.  I am going to learn sooooo much from her as I observe her interaction with our youth and the way she draws them out.  I am blessed to have her teach with her.  The week to follow has been great.  I have felt well and have not needed naps in the afternoon.  I've been able to make our own meals and pick our home in the evening.  Kelly is so good to clean up the dishes when our dinner is over.  He has been so supportive.  I am truly bless to call him husband.  I've still had a lingering cough from the flu, but thankfully, it has been clearing up each day.  Physically I feel so much stronger.  I am very, very grateful for these up and better days, giving me the opportunity feel feel stronger physically and more positive and upbeat emotionally, prepared for the next treatment .

Tuesday I was able to attend the temple and was delighted to witness the second new film that has been introduced.  I was mesmerized!  All eight actors show incredible emotion.  I was amazed so much by the first new film of several months ago and the deeply learning I was experiencing.  This one is even more so.  It's intriguing how acting and very good actors in all parts can deepen understanding.  I wished I could share more, but it's something that needs to experienced.  I can just say that I came out touched to my core and with greater understanding of the Plan of Exaltation and with a deeper appreciation of Father Adam and Mother EVE.

The Lord is teaching me every day.  He allows amazing people to come in and touch my life.  I am taught weekly by those around me and I pray that I will continue to learn.  I am learning from each of my children.  They remind me often that they are all praying for me daily and that brings strength. 
Last week I sent a text just informing each of our children that birthday money was going to drop this year due to medical expenses.  I received a text from all telling me that it would be okay.  I received a text from Stephanie, or so I thought, that said "It's okay, you getting better is present enough."  This touched me deeply and I later learned that the text was sent by Nicole not Stephanie.  Now more deeply touched.  This experience is touching each family member's life and hopefully will draw us all closer together in an eternal manner. I feel a big family party or trip coming in the Summer.

I want to testify that I know the Savior lives. That he is the very details of our lives.  He changes them and touches them in very small ways and in very big ways.  I feel his influence in mine daily.  I love him as my big brother and especially as my Savior and Redeemer.  I would be ungrateful to not express his influence in our lives always.

Hard Week

Hard Week

So it's been a hard week.  It seems I do okay on Friday after chemo, just exhausted when I return home from work.  Saturday and Sunday I spend most of the day in bed, sleeping.  Wow! I never knew I could sleep so much.  Since Monday was a holiday I got to rest most of the day, except the time at Creative Wigs.  Tuesday and Wednesday were very hard days.  I went to work, was a bit nauseated and extremely fatigued.  I come home from work and Kelly takes care of me.  We have been blessed to have meals brought in and he feeds me then sends me to bed.  This week I've had a hard time sleeping and I find that I'm very emotional, probably because I feel so lousy and the lack of sleep.  Tuesday I knelt down for prayers and cried for 15 minutes. Wednesday I did the same thing.  Are you kidding me?  Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm a cry baby, but this is ridiculous.  Thursday morning was a tough morning, but by afternoon, I was feeling much better.  Yeah for me!!!!!
Thursday night rolled around and I was physically feeling better, but was an emotional wreck.  I knew that when I went to bed I was going to sleep like a log because I was so tired.  Not so.  I lay very calm for an hour waiting for sleep to come and instead anxiety came like a fitful tiger.  All types of scenarios were playing my head.  I was complaining silently about how hard this is.  Fatigue is the most difficult.  Fatigue, that even when you just stand for a few moments your body feels like it's going to drop.   I was complaining to Heavenly Father that I didn't want to do this, knowing all the while that this is the cure and the way. 

Finally, my mind went to my pioneer ancestors, Mary Ann Kennedy Bird that experienced most all of the mobbings in church history was driven from her home time and time again.  She gave birth during most major events in church history.   I reflected on Mary Rogerson that was in the Martin Handcart Company with 5 of her 7 children and no husband to help.  She crossed rivers in the middle of winter, faced starvation and freezing limbs but went on with faith and courage.  If these two women could do those difficult things, I can do this.  Then my mind went to thinking about only being down two treatments with 6 to go.  It's going to be a long couple of months. Anxiety is so real and not a pleasant experience.  For several hours I pleaded with Heavenly Father to help me, to calm my troubled heart, and wipe away those crazy tears.  A voice whispered sing a song.  So while lying next to Kelly I sang in my head over and over again "I Know That My Redeemer Lives".  That is song becoming my go to song.

He lives to grant me rich supply.
He lives to guide me with his eye.
He lives to comfort me when faint.
He lives to hear my soul's complaint.
He lives to silence all my fears.
He lives to wipe away my tears.
He lives to calm my troubled heart.
He lives all blessings to impart. 

I sang it in my head over and over and over until I literally felt His loving arms wrapped around me, comforting me and soothing away my anxiety.  At that instant I knew him, I really knew him and I knew he knew me.  What a tremendous gift.  At that moment I felt his love deeply.

Finally, after several hours, sleep came.

Friday was a much better.  I worked without much fatigue and enjoyed the evening with Kelly.  As I sat watching television with him, I realized that my life is very self absorbed right now and I don't like that much.  There's not much I can do about it during the week following chemo, but I have decided that on the nights I am just sitting I will find a way to serve.  Indexing family names is going to my ongoing project during this time.  Maybe by focusing on those that have need of our help, it will take the focus of the misery I think I feel.
So I'm finding that I have a very difficult week following chemo and then a pretty good week.  I think I can do this!!!!

Children's acts of service--January 19-20th

I've been so impressed by the sweet acts of service rendered by the children around me.  Both of my Grand daughters cut their hair in honor of Grandma.  My Grandson's have shaved their heads in honor of Grandma and I am completely touched by their support and love.

We've witnessed as parents have brought dinner to our home and included their children in the bringing.  What a beautiful way to teach children Christlike service.  Saturday evening the Jonathan Holmes family showed up at our door step with a small bouquet of flowers, cookies and a card that was signed by all and a sweet picture drawn by James.

On Saturday Emily Winmill went shopping for materials to create hats for me.  When Caison, her son asked what they were doing, Emily explained that I no longer had hair due to the Chemo.  On Sunday sweet little Caison came running all the way across the Chapel to give me a hug and to say, "I just want you to know that you are beautiful."  Oh the words of a 5 year old.

Sunday evening we were invited to a birthday party for Tyler Eborn's son, Christian.  He turns 12 and is looking forward to receiving the priesthood.  While there, Kaitlyn, Jen's daughter said she had made me a gift.   A little purple bracelet and a poster defining who she thinks I am.  Very thoughtful and sweet.

 

I had let Emily know that I would be gone for a couple of hours on Monday, however, I left and returned earlier than anticipated and caught the young culprits in the act of defacing our driveway.  Caison wanted to be helpful and recruited the Zito children in the escapade.  An escapade that will be remembered for, once again, sweet acts of service.  It was fun to stand outside and watch them help each other and play hopscotch together.  I'm sure they have not idea how much they brightened my day.

According to Caison, this is me.  My bald head is very large!!!and my eyes stand out well, don't you think?

These valiant ones that are coming into the world now, I know, are truly saved for these days to battle the adversary.  They are strong, focused and love to serve.  I'm just grateful that I and Kelly have been the recipients of their valiance!!!!!

Hair Loss--January 15 & 16

Monday and Tuesday came and went.  I went to work each day and each day felt a little stronger and more like my old self again.
Wednesday after getting ready for work I noticed globs of hair on my shoulders.  Hair covering the sink, all that fun stuff.  At work, I ran my fingers through my hair and wallah, globs of hair.  Okay so day 19 actually came on day 13, the hair loss had begun.  I don't know that I can say that I was quite prepared for this so quickly, but it is what it is, right?
Wednesday night was not a good night of sleep.  I was exhausted, but sleep was very restless.  Thursday morning quickly approached and as I prepared for work, WOW---a lot more hair.  This wasn't going to be acceptable.  I hate hair all over everything.  The hard thing was that I was preparing emotionally for another round of chemo today.  UGGGH.  The last round had been so difficult and I was very nervous for what the day would bring. 
I'm grateful to work where the Spirit of the Lord is constantly around and as the time approached to leave for Chemo, I was very uneasy.  I closed my office door, knelt down and asked for two things this day.  The courage to face chemo and the challenges it may bring and the courage to shave off the hair that evening.

Jen Eborn was my companion for the day and she met me at home.  Because of my ditsy brain right now, we had to go back home to get my phone.  I called the hospital to let them know we were running late and they optimistically said, "We'll see you when you get here!"  LOL---I was tempted to run away and not come back.
The Port has been a real blessing, however this morning it chose to be temperamental.  There was a buildup of protein that needed to be knocked loose.  The nurse stood me all but on my head to see if a change of position would help.  The position change with a little heparin knocked the hummer loose and we were on our way.

After doing all the vitals, weigh ins, blah, blah, blah, we got to see Rosie, the PA.  She is a delight and is so good at what she does.  When I shared my hair loss experience the first thing she asked is, "How are you doing emotionally with this?"  She sincerely cares and I feel that every time I see her.  She even asked if I had been able to attend church (she's Catholic) and then told me, it's okay to miss if I need to.  She said, "The Bishop will understand---thinking that Kelly is the Bishop"  I love it!
Dr Ward joined her and they both expressed their sorrow that I had had the flu following the first chemo.  They were both optimistic that today's experience would be better and easier.  That optimism set my mind at ease and I felt less nervous. Once completed with the Doctor visit, I grabbed a wrap from the Bistro for lunch and we headed to infusion.  Our wait in the waiting room was much longer that usual.  Infusion was very busy and because it was so busy, we got our own private room.  That was very nice because the flu had set me back and I still had a terrible cough.  That meant I had to keep a mask on to protect others. .  Having my own room allowed me not to wear the mask.  My NA was Jenny, a cute brunette and my nurse was a very sweet blond, Tauny.  The usual routine began just as before.
There was a TV in the room that did not get turned on.  I brought books to read and they didn't get opened.  Crossword puzzles were left in the bag and nothing I had planned came out to do.  Jen and I talked, talked, talked, talked, and talked some more.  Tauny would come in the room and participate in the conversation.  We would laugh a lot and cry a little.  It was fun to have some girl time.  This chemo experience came off without too much ado.  To prevent the headache I had experienced the first time, I loaded up on Tylenol and that seemed to help.

Now, for one last stop.  Back to the Dr. Agarwal's office where Jill, his nurse, would begin the process of the expansion.  One large tube of saline with one very long intimidating needle.  Not too bad, since I'm numb and can't feel a thing.

So one more day at the Huntsman was complete.  Jen took me home and insisted that I get a nap before the process of hair removal.  Kelly had a Bishopric training and the plan was to meet at 8:45 for Jen to shave my head and Kelly to videotape the experience.  Rest was easy and 8:45 came quickly.
Jen began by cutting hair off and then using the shears to cut the main amount of hair off.  Finally, the clippers were used to take the hair down to the scalp.  I asked Jen if she was going to cry and her response was NO.  Yeah right!  As soon as the clippers went to my head, she was in tears.  Kelly was stalwart and during the filming was his normal jovial, upbeat, humorous self.  I love that man.

Our Grandchildren decided they would cut or shave their hair in support of Grandma.  I love these wonderful children!!!!

Jessica, Cody & Wyatt

Nicole's Locks of Love cut by Kristen Arnaud

True to Heavenly Father's help, I felt courage AND peace.  I felt much more peaceful about the coming week following chemo.  I felt no need to cry over the hair, no need to feel sad at this loss.  This loss will be brief and I am learning so much in the process.   The Lord had truly answered my early morning prayers to have courage, courage that would sustain me through the whole day.

January 12th--Sabbath

Today is the Sabbath and I am so grateful that I feel up to attending church and partaking the sacrament at church.  It has been a great blessing to have worthy priesthood holders that could bring it to my home.  It's a sacred experience no matter where I can renew that covenant of baptism, but there's something very special about the alter. It's a visual reminder that we can bring our sins, our heartaches, our lows to the alter and the Savior will lift them from us.  Just as the Savior cleansed his disciples feet at the Last Supper, he cleanses us through the Atonement and the Sacrament.
The messages were messages that spoke to me and touched my heart.  I had not prepared to teach Sunday School and so I attended with Sara as the teacher.  She is a master teacher and the youth really respond to her.  I am so blessed to have had her agree to team teach with me.
The Relief Society lessons for this year are from Joseph Fielding Smith and I know my life will be strengthened by them.  This weeks lesson was on "Our Father in Heaven".  It's always a good reminder that God loves each of his children.  One statement that really touched my heart----"HIS love for us is greater than can be the love of an earthly parent for his offspring." I feel that love so much these days.  Each night I retire to bed tearfully with gratitude for a Heaven Father who knows and loves ME.

January 3-11 And so it begins

With a headache I went to work on Friday.  It was our Bishops' mailing and I was anxious to get it done to be prepared for the future days.  My body was very tired and I pushed to get the work done. much harder than I should have.  The headache lessened as the day wore on, but the fatigue increased.  Despite the fatigue, Kelly and I walked the track at the gym for 15 minutes.  The remainder of the evening was spent resting.  Jen and Tyler Eborn brought in a very welcome and delicious meal.  Bedtime came early as well as morning. Saturday morning as Kelly went out for his morning ride, tore off the passenger mirror (250.00).  Not a good way to begin a morning.  I was still very fatigued, but knew I needed to keep moving, so I went for a ride with Kelly to pick our repaired our snow blower (350.00 later).  Returning home and realizing our microwave was kaput, we found a replacement at Home Depot.  (265.00 later).  I spent the rest of the evening addressing Christmas Cards and feeling increasingly worse.
Sunday morning came upon us and I was in not shape to go to church.  Thankfully, Sara Mallett had agreed to be my side kick and be prepared to fill in last minute for me.  I literally spent the whole day and evening in bed, hopefully allowing Kelly to fulfill his priesthood responsibilities.  Sara and Annette dropped dinner of Clam Chowder for the following day.  I was no longer just fatigued, but had a very deep and recurring cough deep in my chest.  Drugs did a good job of keeping me sleeping, but I had not yet caught on to the regimen of anti nausea medication to keep in in check.  I praised myself for drinking plenty.

Monday was a very slow day of arising.  I knew it was important to get up and get moving, but had no desire to do anything but stay in bed.   I overcame the temptation and went to work.  The cough was not good and I was completely fatigued.  I worked for 6 hours with 2-20 minute naps provided.  As I arrived home, I wrapped up in my blanket and laid down.  Kelly came home and I felt completely lost.  I just did not feel at all good.  He took care of me by making dinner and cleaning up.  He then wrapped me up in my blanket on our love seat and wrapped himself around me to get me warm and comfort my nerves and my heart.  He once again was my hero.  I went to bed at 6:00 and slept until the next day at 12:00.  Finally a call was placed to the Huntsman, Doctor Ward's nurses to let them know what was happening with my body.  During all of this time, I had not had a fever just knew that I didn't feel well.  Michelle asked many questions and determined I needed to be seen at Critical Care Clinic.  Kelly had meetings that evening and I asked my friend Elaine George if she would be available for several hours to escort me to Huntsman.  She gladly agreed.  The Nurses and NA's took good care as they took many vitals, checked my fluids, my temperature, etc.  I still did not have a fever.  It did turn out that I was very dehydrated and needed fluid and my nausea was not under control.  The Doctor filled me up with Zofran in the IV solutions.  I was taken for chest x-ray to make sure there was no pneumonia.  None was found.  A swab was done to check for influenza.  By the time the first IV was complete, I was feeling better.  The second IV increased my energy as well.  I even felt like eating a half turkey sandwich.  I really had had no idea how bad I was really feeling.  The Doctor and Staff at the Acute Clinic were amazing and educated us very well.  The Doctor also educated me as to how to take my anti-nausea medicine and stay on top of it and to drink, drink, drink.  I asked what I could do to make sure that I get enough fluids and was told that sometimes chemo will just take the fluids right from you and if drinking is not enough, to come back and acute care will fuel me up.

I have so many wonderful friends and am so grateful for any of many that would be willing to spend a girls evening in the hospital.  Kelly joined us for an hour and then went to an amazing meeting with our new area authority Elder Evans.  Elder Evans was quite surprised that he was in the meeting given I was in the hospital.  I firmly believe that we need to keep his life as normal as possible during this crazy time in our lives.

Thursday came and went with little incident, slowly recuperating and working 6 hour days, until we received a call from the Doctor and nurse informing me that the result for flu came back positive.  I had influenza A and any in my home would need to be treated before the symptoms presented.  Kelly got a flu shot and then picked up the $130.00 prescription.    It had definitely been and expensive $1000.00 week. I had a week of highs and lows.  I was really hoping that this first round of chemo would come without incident, that I would have some time to gear up for the fatigue and nausea.  Not so,  we started off quickly with illness.  I told Kelly that we are on a learning curve and this whole experiences is going to be learning time.  However, I was grateful it came back as the flu and not chalked up just to the chemo.  I appreciate the protector he is and the care he is taking of me.

Our sweet friends Kelly and Dawn brought Chinese food and a movie to watch.  We watched "Unitards" which was completely hilarious.  It was so good to watch something to bring laughter. After Killpacks left, I found Kelly sitting in his recliner head in hands, feeling completely overwhelmed.  I left him to his thoughts to answer a telephone call.  It was from Elder Evans personal secretary.  He wanted to express the concern of Elder Evans and his staff and let us know that they would be remembering us in their thoughts and prayers throughout the weekend.  I gave the phone to Kelly to hear the message for himself.  We retired to bed both in tears.  When we are feeling very low, the Lord in his infinite wisdom prompted his servant and minister to call our home.  HE knows us.  HE knows when we are feeling low and overwhelmed.  We have a testimony of our saviors tender mercies in each of our single, individual lives.  He manifests himself regularly in our lives and we are ever mindful of those mercies!

January 2, 2014--Infusion Day

Of all of the experiences I had up to this point, this was the one that made me the most nervous.  I had so much information, had heard so many stories and understood that every person's experiences are different so it's difficult to determine what mine was going to bring.

We began with a visit with Dr. Ward reviewing all the previous information making sure we have an understanding of what's facing us.  My blood work had been done previous, so this time would not need to be drawn.  Heidi, the nurse walked us down to the 2nd floor to introduce us to the infusion floor.  The Huntsman is such an amazing hospital with amazing staff and every time I go there am overwhelmed by their care and concern.

It was explained to us that the infusion room is set up in pods with six different infusion chairs in each pod.  It's a very beautiful room with comfortable chairs, TVs, and all the comforts for their patients.  Very Amazing.

We were introduced to our infusion nurse Brittany.  The port was GREAT.  Brittany pushed in that little needle and we were on our way.  The port needed to be checked to make sure it was working properly. YEAH!!!!, it was and then flushed with saline.  All very technical and then it all began with our friend, anti nausea medicine, followed by antibiotics.  These all took about 10-15 minutes each.  So begins the the really important stuff.  The nurse gowns up in their radiative gear (just kidding), but seriously protective gear to protect them from the heavy chemo they administer every day.  The first chemo begins with 3 tubes of Adriamycin that individually are administered into the port by the nurse.  Each tube takes about 15 minutes.  The port is flushed with saline and the second chemo Cyclophosphamide is hung via IV and takes an hour to complete.  The process is once again followed by a saline flush aaaand we're done with NUMBER 1.
Kelly, with the camera, made sure he got a picture of this day.

Brittany talked almost the whole three hours, once again explaining the processes that were going on and what to expect.  Kelly and my head were on overload and were ready to explode by the time we left.  Kelly actually had to get and walk away for some distance for a few minutes and give his head a breather.

Our Social worker Lisa Gauchay paid us a visit when we arrive at infusion and spent a half an hour talking about concerns.  I love, so much, that she spends time engaging Kelly and getting a feel for where he is at and allowing him to voice his concerns and feelings.

We decided on Noodles and Company for dinner.  Found my mew favorite there "Thai Hot Pot Noodles".
The evening didn't carry on as well.  I began with a terrible headache that carried through the evening and night till noon the next day.  However, all in all the day went well and we were both grateful to have number one under the belt.!!!!!!

December 27, 2013--Port Day

I'm very far behind in all of my posts, but am feeling somewhat better and will try to catch with the date in the title.

After visiting with the Doctor, he sent in the big guns, his nurses to check out my veins.  They both agreed that I had good veins in both arms, but asking what they would do if it were them, they made the comment that every nurse there would have a port put in.  The decision was made, port it would be.  Friday, December 27th right after Christmas, the port was installed giving the site time to heal before the 1st chemo treatment.

Of course, we can't visit the hospital without some of Kelly's goofiness.

Kelly's new style

 And of course, we can't pay the hospital a visit without another, just lovely and becoming picture of me, in all of my glory!!!

Every thing went successful.  Now I have two hard things in my chest.  The expander on the right the port on the left.  I'm not complaining, mind you.  I think I will be glad the port is there.

Kelly, of course, always my right hand man and comedic relief.

Family Christmas

We met once again at Kelli and Doug's home. We ate dinner of ham and cheese sandwiches, salads, pork n beans, and chips. Christmas is really about spending time together and visiting. We opened gifts and all were accepted. We played a few games, but mostly visited. Some of our missionaries gave me bags of bracelets and so I let each of the girls choose one they would like.  Photo's follow. 

Stephanie, Josalyn, Nichole and Shaelynn

Bambi and Jessica

 My Bracelet

Kelli Jo and Raistlyn

The exciting gift is yet to come.  Our children are putting together a heritage photo album that is heartwarming, full of love and laughter.  We have amazing children and grandchildren and I am always amazed at their creativity.  It was a wonderful relaxing weekend. Kelly and I were able to spend the time with Bob and Joyce Hynek, catch up briefly with some old friends and drive to Idaho Falls and spend some time with Grandpa Hynek. At 100, we just never know how much longer we will be able to spend with him.  His keen memory is amazing and the story he shares are from years ago.  It was just a wonderful weekend all together.

 

ME AND MY GIRLS---SORRY WE'RE MISSING STEPHANIE

The following is a post from Bambi on Facebook and it really touched me.
BAMBI HARMAN:  What an amazing weekend with my family! I am in awe of the display of tenderness I watched from the men in my immediate family this weekend. I have watched my father become the man my mother always knew he could be over the course of the last twenty years (yes it's taken THAT long). This weekend I took note of the way he held her hand, the way he looked at her like she was the most precious thing in the world to him, and I felt more love for him in those moments than I recall ever having in my entire life. Then last night as we were opening gifts as a family my dad sat on the couch next to my beautiful sister in law and I over heard him ask her "is that son of mine treating you right?" She answered that yes he was. Tonight I watched my brother hold his wife on the couch as we watched a movie together. When the movie was over he picked his tiny little bride up and carried her up the stairs to bed, her arms wrapped around his neck, and I thought "yes, after five kids and almost fifteen years together, he certainly is still treating her right".