Treatment 3

Treatment 3 came and went without too much fanfare.  Upon entering the Lab, it was determined that there was some infection around the port due to a stitch that had come out the night before.  Rather than risk introducing infection into my blood system, we had the lovely experience of using a vein in the arm.  I hope that will be the only time I have to use a vein. It was a bit uncomfortbable.

My neighbor in the next cubicle was Brother Churcher.  He said he was in the last of his chemo and they were preparing him for radiation.  His father n law, Brother Backman was there with him.  They were much quieter than the chatting gossipy women next to them.  I hope we weren't too much of a bother. 
I have had so many offers from friends to take me to the hospital and I feel very blessed by their friendships and know that I will not lack for any kind of help I might need.  Rae Reid was my escort for the day and it was fun to spend the day with her. Rae and I chatted and chatted and laughed and laughed.  My nurse was (YEAH) Tawny again.  She has such a special aura about her and I love having her as my nurse.  Kelly arrived during the treatment just to check on how things were going and Tawny started teasing him that she had heard all about him.  Funny how we conveniently couldn't remember anything we had told her.  As I was leaving I told Tawny that I would love to have her as my nurse everytime.  She assured me that she could arrange that.  We'll see what session 4 brings.

Friday I worked and did well.  I really had been wanted a chicken fried steak all week.  Kelly suggested KFC.  Unfortunately it's only served on Tuesday so I opted for Chicken Pot Pie.  Of course, once home I went to bed early.  Saturday and Sunday were fairly good days.  I rested when needed.  Sunday I attended the West Mountain Ward with Kelly and sat with the Georges.  The rest of the day was spent resting.

Monday was a day at work again.  I was very tired, but not as fatigued as I had felt in the past, however, I was feeling more nausea than in the past.  As the week progressed I experienced more nausea than in the past and had just overall feeling of not feeling well.  I called Dr. Ward's nurses and the only thing we could determine is that I had caught another bug.  Uggghh.  I started with the cold medicine again and by Saturday morning I was beginning to feel better.  Emotionally I have been in a better place this week, but still a little discouraged with the additional illness that seem to hit me. 

Thursday as I retired to bed, I noticed that the balls and heals of my feet were bright red, swollen and burning.  My fingertips, the back of my throat and my mouth are all very red and burning as well.  The nurses informed me this was just a side effect of the chemo.  My poor body is in kind of sad shape, but hey I'm alive, I can work and I am happy.  I love my life!!!!!!

Not the typical love story

Our 1976 Engagement Picture

Our love story is not the typical fairy tale love story.  We met at 11 and 12 years old.  Our family's spent a fun summer swimming, boating and playing games and then lost track of each other.  It was years later while I was at Ricks, we met up again.  We had a whirlwind romance, engaged in 2 weeks and married in 4 months, not something I would recommend.  We got off to a rocky start and that rocky road continued for 10 years.  We began a family quickly.  We were expecting Bambi 2 weeks after we were married.  She was 18 months old when we brought T.J. into the world.  T.J. as 14 months old when Kelli Jo joined us and Kelli Jo was 3 when Casey finally came and then returned back to his Heavenly Home.  During those first 10 years there were many ups and many downs.  Many friends and family never expected that we would get through those times.  There were times we didn't think we would get through those times.  I reflect on pictures and remember so many, many good times and then so many difficult times.  Kelly always had this great big, tremendous heart.  He was always charismatic and loveable.  He draws people to him with ease.  With the difficult times in our lives, we always had love for each other, but sometimes that love wasn't as firmly set as it should have been.  We endured.  Despite his questioning of the gospel in his life, I, as wife always understood his love of God and his desire to serve God, even when it didn't really seem that way.  Gratefully the Lord always encouraged me on teaching me about his strengths.  The Lord always put good people in our home and lives to guide us and encourage us.  Bishops' and Home Teachers influenced Kelly's learning and helped him to personally overcome challenges that faced him.

There are many experiences, challenges, etc. that I would share, but will leave to my own heart for contemplation and understanding.  The Lord has been a constant influence in our lives, especially during the trials we were blessed to experienced.  The loss of our 5 month old son strengthened us individually and as a family.  We learned the importance of eternal families and working toward that end.  As we watched our daughter share a child through adoption with another family, our testimony was strengthened by the ultimate Christlike love shared by families, ours, the baby's fathers (our daughter especially) and the adopted family.

Now as we go though this experience of cancer, we are drawing together as a couple.  I feel Kelly's deep love for me as his eternal companion.  As he wraps his arms around me I feel his priesthood and husband protection and that has gotten me through many dark and scarey hours.  He reminds me to wear my mask, to lay down when I'm tired and he cares for me in the most special ways.  He is teaching our children, through example, what it is to be a caring, priesthood husband, protecting and caring for me in the most intimate ways.  Even just by a loving glance.

I have learned just how much more I love him.  It's more that just being comfortable with each other as we were, but not taking one another for granted.  We acknowledge one another.  The good night snuggle, not just a kiss. The goodbye kiss in the morning, never knowing what the day brings.  This has been one of the blessings to come out of this experience we call cancer.  I pray this growth and love continues forward in strength that we may have another 37 years together.  I love you Kelly Harman, forever and always.  You are my knight in shining armor and my hero for the great adversities you have overcome in your live and for the man you have become.!!!  My life is and always has been improved and enriched with you in it.

Temple Blessings

This week has been amazingly better.  I was able to walk with Kelly last Thursday for 15 minutes.  A 15 minute walk feels like an hour and half hard work out, but worth it.  The nausea had subsided and my energy level was beginning to increase.  By Saturday I was able to clean house, rest and spend a nice evening with Kelly returning dishes.  Sunday, gratefully, I was able to attend all three of my church meetings and taught my Sunday School class.  Sara Mallet has been called as my team teacher and she is AMAZING.  I am going to learn sooooo much from her as I observe her interaction with our youth and the way she draws them out.  I am blessed to have her teach with her.  The week to follow has been great.  I have felt well and have not needed naps in the afternoon.  I've been able to make our own meals and pick our home in the evening.  Kelly is so good to clean up the dishes when our dinner is over.  He has been so supportive.  I am truly bless to call him husband.  I've still had a lingering cough from the flu, but thankfully, it has been clearing up each day.  Physically I feel so much stronger.  I am very, very grateful for these up and better days, giving me the opportunity feel feel stronger physically and more positive and upbeat emotionally, prepared for the next treatment .

Tuesday I was able to attend the temple and was delighted to witness the second new film that has been introduced.  I was mesmerized!  All eight actors show incredible emotion.  I was amazed so much by the first new film of several months ago and the deeply learning I was experiencing.  This one is even more so.  It's intriguing how acting and very good actors in all parts can deepen understanding.  I wished I could share more, but it's something that needs to experienced.  I can just say that I came out touched to my core and with greater understanding of the Plan of Exaltation and with a deeper appreciation of Father Adam and Mother EVE.

The Lord is teaching me every day.  He allows amazing people to come in and touch my life.  I am taught weekly by those around me and I pray that I will continue to learn.  I am learning from each of my children.  They remind me often that they are all praying for me daily and that brings strength. 
Last week I sent a text just informing each of our children that birthday money was going to drop this year due to medical expenses.  I received a text from all telling me that it would be okay.  I received a text from Stephanie, or so I thought, that said "It's okay, you getting better is present enough."  This touched me deeply and I later learned that the text was sent by Nicole not Stephanie.  Now more deeply touched.  This experience is touching each family member's life and hopefully will draw us all closer together in an eternal manner. I feel a big family party or trip coming in the Summer.

I want to testify that I know the Savior lives. That he is the very details of our lives.  He changes them and touches them in very small ways and in very big ways.  I feel his influence in mine daily.  I love him as my big brother and especially as my Savior and Redeemer.  I would be ungrateful to not express his influence in our lives always.

Hard Week

Hard Week

So it's been a hard week.  It seems I do okay on Friday after chemo, just exhausted when I return home from work.  Saturday and Sunday I spend most of the day in bed, sleeping.  Wow! I never knew I could sleep so much.  Since Monday was a holiday I got to rest most of the day, except the time at Creative Wigs.  Tuesday and Wednesday were very hard days.  I went to work, was a bit nauseated and extremely fatigued.  I come home from work and Kelly takes care of me.  We have been blessed to have meals brought in and he feeds me then sends me to bed.  This week I've had a hard time sleeping and I find that I'm very emotional, probably because I feel so lousy and the lack of sleep.  Tuesday I knelt down for prayers and cried for 15 minutes. Wednesday I did the same thing.  Are you kidding me?  Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm a cry baby, but this is ridiculous.  Thursday morning was a tough morning, but by afternoon, I was feeling much better.  Yeah for me!!!!!
Thursday night rolled around and I was physically feeling better, but was an emotional wreck.  I knew that when I went to bed I was going to sleep like a log because I was so tired.  Not so.  I lay very calm for an hour waiting for sleep to come and instead anxiety came like a fitful tiger.  All types of scenarios were playing my head.  I was complaining silently about how hard this is.  Fatigue is the most difficult.  Fatigue, that even when you just stand for a few moments your body feels like it's going to drop.   I was complaining to Heavenly Father that I didn't want to do this, knowing all the while that this is the cure and the way. 

Finally, my mind went to my pioneer ancestors, Mary Ann Kennedy Bird that experienced most all of the mobbings in church history was driven from her home time and time again.  She gave birth during most major events in church history.   I reflected on Mary Rogerson that was in the Martin Handcart Company with 5 of her 7 children and no husband to help.  She crossed rivers in the middle of winter, faced starvation and freezing limbs but went on with faith and courage.  If these two women could do those difficult things, I can do this.  Then my mind went to thinking about only being down two treatments with 6 to go.  It's going to be a long couple of months. Anxiety is so real and not a pleasant experience.  For several hours I pleaded with Heavenly Father to help me, to calm my troubled heart, and wipe away those crazy tears.  A voice whispered sing a song.  So while lying next to Kelly I sang in my head over and over again "I Know That My Redeemer Lives".  That is song becoming my go to song.

He lives to grant me rich supply.
He lives to guide me with his eye.
He lives to comfort me when faint.
He lives to hear my soul's complaint.
He lives to silence all my fears.
He lives to wipe away my tears.
He lives to calm my troubled heart.
He lives all blessings to impart. 

I sang it in my head over and over and over until I literally felt His loving arms wrapped around me, comforting me and soothing away my anxiety.  At that instant I knew him, I really knew him and I knew he knew me.  What a tremendous gift.  At that moment I felt his love deeply.

Finally, after several hours, sleep came.

Friday was a much better.  I worked without much fatigue and enjoyed the evening with Kelly.  As I sat watching television with him, I realized that my life is very self absorbed right now and I don't like that much.  There's not much I can do about it during the week following chemo, but I have decided that on the nights I am just sitting I will find a way to serve.  Indexing family names is going to my ongoing project during this time.  Maybe by focusing on those that have need of our help, it will take the focus of the misery I think I feel.
So I'm finding that I have a very difficult week following chemo and then a pretty good week.  I think I can do this!!!!

Children's acts of service--January 19-20th

I've been so impressed by the sweet acts of service rendered by the children around me.  Both of my Grand daughters cut their hair in honor of Grandma.  My Grandson's have shaved their heads in honor of Grandma and I am completely touched by their support and love.

We've witnessed as parents have brought dinner to our home and included their children in the bringing.  What a beautiful way to teach children Christlike service.  Saturday evening the Jonathan Holmes family showed up at our door step with a small bouquet of flowers, cookies and a card that was signed by all and a sweet picture drawn by James.

On Saturday Emily Winmill went shopping for materials to create hats for me.  When Caison, her son asked what they were doing, Emily explained that I no longer had hair due to the Chemo.  On Sunday sweet little Caison came running all the way across the Chapel to give me a hug and to say, "I just want you to know that you are beautiful."  Oh the words of a 5 year old.

Sunday evening we were invited to a birthday party for Tyler Eborn's son, Christian.  He turns 12 and is looking forward to receiving the priesthood.  While there, Kaitlyn, Jen's daughter said she had made me a gift.   A little purple bracelet and a poster defining who she thinks I am.  Very thoughtful and sweet.

 

I had let Emily know that I would be gone for a couple of hours on Monday, however, I left and returned earlier than anticipated and caught the young culprits in the act of defacing our driveway.  Caison wanted to be helpful and recruited the Zito children in the escapade.  An escapade that will be remembered for, once again, sweet acts of service.  It was fun to stand outside and watch them help each other and play hopscotch together.  I'm sure they have not idea how much they brightened my day.

According to Caison, this is me.  My bald head is very large!!!and my eyes stand out well, don't you think?

These valiant ones that are coming into the world now, I know, are truly saved for these days to battle the adversary.  They are strong, focused and love to serve.  I'm just grateful that I and Kelly have been the recipients of their valiance!!!!!

Hair Loss--January 15 & 16

Monday and Tuesday came and went.  I went to work each day and each day felt a little stronger and more like my old self again.
Wednesday after getting ready for work I noticed globs of hair on my shoulders.  Hair covering the sink, all that fun stuff.  At work, I ran my fingers through my hair and wallah, globs of hair.  Okay so day 19 actually came on day 13, the hair loss had begun.  I don't know that I can say that I was quite prepared for this so quickly, but it is what it is, right?
Wednesday night was not a good night of sleep.  I was exhausted, but sleep was very restless.  Thursday morning quickly approached and as I prepared for work, WOW---a lot more hair.  This wasn't going to be acceptable.  I hate hair all over everything.  The hard thing was that I was preparing emotionally for another round of chemo today.  UGGGH.  The last round had been so difficult and I was very nervous for what the day would bring. 
I'm grateful to work where the Spirit of the Lord is constantly around and as the time approached to leave for Chemo, I was very uneasy.  I closed my office door, knelt down and asked for two things this day.  The courage to face chemo and the challenges it may bring and the courage to shave off the hair that evening.

Jen Eborn was my companion for the day and she met me at home.  Because of my ditsy brain right now, we had to go back home to get my phone.  I called the hospital to let them know we were running late and they optimistically said, "We'll see you when you get here!"  LOL---I was tempted to run away and not come back.
The Port has been a real blessing, however this morning it chose to be temperamental.  There was a buildup of protein that needed to be knocked loose.  The nurse stood me all but on my head to see if a change of position would help.  The position change with a little heparin knocked the hummer loose and we were on our way.

After doing all the vitals, weigh ins, blah, blah, blah, we got to see Rosie, the PA.  She is a delight and is so good at what she does.  When I shared my hair loss experience the first thing she asked is, "How are you doing emotionally with this?"  She sincerely cares and I feel that every time I see her.  She even asked if I had been able to attend church (she's Catholic) and then told me, it's okay to miss if I need to.  She said, "The Bishop will understand---thinking that Kelly is the Bishop"  I love it!
Dr Ward joined her and they both expressed their sorrow that I had had the flu following the first chemo.  They were both optimistic that today's experience would be better and easier.  That optimism set my mind at ease and I felt less nervous. Once completed with the Doctor visit, I grabbed a wrap from the Bistro for lunch and we headed to infusion.  Our wait in the waiting room was much longer that usual.  Infusion was very busy and because it was so busy, we got our own private room.  That was very nice because the flu had set me back and I still had a terrible cough.  That meant I had to keep a mask on to protect others. .  Having my own room allowed me not to wear the mask.  My NA was Jenny, a cute brunette and my nurse was a very sweet blond, Tauny.  The usual routine began just as before.
There was a TV in the room that did not get turned on.  I brought books to read and they didn't get opened.  Crossword puzzles were left in the bag and nothing I had planned came out to do.  Jen and I talked, talked, talked, talked, and talked some more.  Tauny would come in the room and participate in the conversation.  We would laugh a lot and cry a little.  It was fun to have some girl time.  This chemo experience came off without too much ado.  To prevent the headache I had experienced the first time, I loaded up on Tylenol and that seemed to help.

Now, for one last stop.  Back to the Dr. Agarwal's office where Jill, his nurse, would begin the process of the expansion.  One large tube of saline with one very long intimidating needle.  Not too bad, since I'm numb and can't feel a thing.

So one more day at the Huntsman was complete.  Jen took me home and insisted that I get a nap before the process of hair removal.  Kelly had a Bishopric training and the plan was to meet at 8:45 for Jen to shave my head and Kelly to videotape the experience.  Rest was easy and 8:45 came quickly.
Jen began by cutting hair off and then using the shears to cut the main amount of hair off.  Finally, the clippers were used to take the hair down to the scalp.  I asked Jen if she was going to cry and her response was NO.  Yeah right!  As soon as the clippers went to my head, she was in tears.  Kelly was stalwart and during the filming was his normal jovial, upbeat, humorous self.  I love that man.

Our Grandchildren decided they would cut or shave their hair in support of Grandma.  I love these wonderful children!!!!

Jessica, Cody & Wyatt

Nicole's Locks of Love cut by Kristen Arnaud

True to Heavenly Father's help, I felt courage AND peace.  I felt much more peaceful about the coming week following chemo.  I felt no need to cry over the hair, no need to feel sad at this loss.  This loss will be brief and I am learning so much in the process.   The Lord had truly answered my early morning prayers to have courage, courage that would sustain me through the whole day.

January 12th--Sabbath

Today is the Sabbath and I am so grateful that I feel up to attending church and partaking the sacrament at church.  It has been a great blessing to have worthy priesthood holders that could bring it to my home.  It's a sacred experience no matter where I can renew that covenant of baptism, but there's something very special about the alter. It's a visual reminder that we can bring our sins, our heartaches, our lows to the alter and the Savior will lift them from us.  Just as the Savior cleansed his disciples feet at the Last Supper, he cleanses us through the Atonement and the Sacrament.
The messages were messages that spoke to me and touched my heart.  I had not prepared to teach Sunday School and so I attended with Sara as the teacher.  She is a master teacher and the youth really respond to her.  I am so blessed to have had her agree to team teach with me.
The Relief Society lessons for this year are from Joseph Fielding Smith and I know my life will be strengthened by them.  This weeks lesson was on "Our Father in Heaven".  It's always a good reminder that God loves each of his children.  One statement that really touched my heart----"HIS love for us is greater than can be the love of an earthly parent for his offspring." I feel that love so much these days.  Each night I retire to bed tearfully with gratitude for a Heaven Father who knows and loves ME.