Anger

Yesterday was a tough day.  I woke up and felt testy.  I unintentionally snapped at Kelly, which made his day bad, and when I got to work found that I was easily annoyed. It wasn't until mid morning that I realized what was going on.  I remember after the death of our son, Casey, waking up one day and feeling the same way, testy, annoyed and downright mad.  Not at anyone, in particular, just mad and after contemplation understood that this feeling was one of the grief process emotions.  The light bulb turned on and the realization that I was experiencing this same emotion but for a very different reason.  Now it was much easier to process and not react.  People may say that I have a perfectly good reason to be mad and that it's okay.  I would agree that it is part of the grief process and I need to feel and work through all the emotions that come with it, but it's not okay to snap at others and treat them unkindly.

As I contemplated this the thought crossed my mind the counsel the Lord gave to Joseph Smith while imprisoned in the dungeons of Liberty Jail.  He was in depths of sorrow having suffered so much starvation, neglect, degradation and humiliation.  He pleaded with the Lord for his family, his friends, the other captives and himself that the Lord would soften the hearts of the men who held them captive and were persecuting the saints.
"O God, where art thou? And where is thy pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?
How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated." His soul's pleadings are deeply touching.  I LOVE the Lord's response to him.  "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment:.........Thou are not yet as Job...."
As I was contemplating the anger and the experience itself, my thoughts went to Job.  I have not experiences even close to Job and then my thoughts went to the Savior.  The Savior experienced EVERYTHING in the Garden of Gethsamane and then on the cross.  Every type of humilation and persecution known to mankind and during this treatment, he was never unkind.  He even healed the ear of the arresting guard.  Yes, I may be entitled to the feeling of anger, but the Lord would not want me to be unkind to those around me and I pray that if at any time I am that my loved ones will forgive me.  "I am not yet like Job."

Surgery

Well that anticipated day of meeting with the plastic surgeon to discuss reconstruction arrived.  We met with Dr. Goodwin and Dr. Agarwal and were set at peace with these skilled surgeons.  Our questions were answered and the choices were placed before us.  More decisions and more waiting.

Dr. Nelson asked that I call after meeting with these doctors and a surgery date would be set.  We will be facing the big day on November 18th.  I must say I was a bit disappointed that it is two and a half weeks away, but the Lord is in charge and there must be things to accomplish before then. I will trust in the Lord's timing and try to be patient.

In the last eight years since moving to Utah, I have learned to trust the Lord's timing.  It seems that things have happened within our family, deaths, births, surgery's, etc. that seem to work within a time frame that is helpful for all.

As I sat in the waiting room with Kelly, a young woman came in that had just recently had a mastectomy.  From her waist hung two fluid drainage bags.  In the research I have done I had read about having these bags for a couple weeks after surgery, but have to admit that I was little freaked out by seeing them.  I thought to myself, "Please wake me up from this dream I am having!!"\

It's appropriate that in my Pathways class I am attending, the lesson for this week had some poignant points for me to consider.
One of the talks was by Elder M. Russell Ballard.  Permit me to quote what reached out to me.
He said during a serious illness,  "One of my colleagues said to me that some good would come from this illness.  He suggested that it is good, on occasion, for everyone to face adversity, especilly if it causes introspection that enables us to openly and honestly assess our lives......Sometimes we need a personal crisis to reinforce in our minds what we really value and cherish.  The scriptures are filled with examples of people facing crises before learning how to better serve God and others.   Some of that assessing has begun and I'm sure there will be much more introspection in the coming months.

Friends

Two weeks ago a friend told me that Cancer is a disease of love.  This seems like an odd statement, but I can see what she means by the statement.  I would like to share some of the experiences I've had the last couple of weeks.
I informed my sweet neighbor and friend, Heather on Friday evening October 18th and that evening while we were at the Hale Center Theater dropped off a gift at my home.  Inside were some very cute loving things.  A pair of pink pajamas, a necklace, the cute cup about friends, peppermint tea, hot cocoa, lip gloss and other very fun things with the message to "Fight like a girl."  Each item had a message with it.

My good friend Dawn dropped this by to offer a message of encouragement and love.

We returned from a trip to Pocatello to find a a blanket from our special young friends Emily and Mike.  She said each time she's been in the hospital, she has loved to have a blanket to cuddle up in.  I find it especially fun that she made it out of pink breast cancer awareness ribbon material.  Another friend from Pocatello, Sandy Jensen, asked what my favorite color was.  She wants to make one of her famous Minkie blankets for me.  I think I will have warmth, from blankets and friends, during this recuperation.

 

I received a phone call from a high school friend, Liz Davis,  that I hadn't seen for several years.  She made a special trip to Magna to spend last Thursday evening with me.  We had a wonderful night reminiscing and sharing our life histories.  She shared some of her life experiences and  gave encouragement to make it through some of the stressful coming up months.  Another high school friend, Susie Christensen, called Kelly and offered some counsel and words of love. 

 

One sweet friend Jenn Eborn, attended the temple on our Stake's Day of Sacrifice and after spending the day in the temple called me.  She said, "I have been thinking about you all day. Is everything okay?"  I hadn't had a chance to tell about the diagnosis.  I was so touched that she was so in tune to the spirit that she sensed something was going on in my life.

 

We were invited for an evening out to the Hale Center Theatre to see Brigadoon by Kelly's cousin and husband, Vicki and Dennis.   The invitation came at a time when we really needed a distraction from our thoughts.  It was nice to spend the evening with family that are truly good friends.

 

So many phone calls, emails, texts, etc have been sent mine and Kelly's way.  Friends are stopping by to check on us and spending their valuable time visiting with us.  Our names have been added to numerous temple roles to be prayed over.  Many have told us they are praying for us.  WE ARE FEELING THE LOVE, and that love is sustaining us.   Many times we have told others that we were praying for them, but I now realize that I didn't understand the impact that can have, until we became the recipient of so many's prayers.  I express my gratitude to each of you for you kind, loving thoughts and prayers.  YES, cancer is a disease of LOVE.

 

 

Decisions

Dr. Nelson, my surgeon, called yesterday with the news that there is a 2nd mass in the breast and there is no way of knowing whether it is cancerous without another biopsy while doing an MRI. The options are to do the MRI/biopsy and then a lumpectomy or a mastectomy. We really were hoping for guidance from the Doctor, but when asked what he would do if it were his wife, he placed it right back into our hands. It's a personal choice and each surgery is a viable option, but this decision has to be made by me. It really is a personal choice, but this choice will be life changing. How do we make such a difficult decision? We've gotten as much information as we can at this point and discussed the pros and cons of each option.

 I keep saying WE and I know that this decision is ultimately mine, but I value Kelly's guidance. He is my best friend, has only my best interest at heart and I need his insight. We decided to each think about the options and discuss it when he returned home from his interviews. Kelly and I discussed the options and what my feelings were. Those feelings were leaning one direction, but with each passing minute would change. As we retired to bed, I thought I knew what to do. I knew that I would need the guidance from our Heavenly Father. It was important for me to have confirmation from him that my decision was and is the correct one. It was also important for me to know that Kelly received the same confirmation. Mormon taught us that Alma "labored much in the spirit, wrestling with God in mighty prayer, that he would pour out his Spirit." It truly has been a wrestle to make this decision. After my night last night, I think I have a greater appreciation for this teaching, for I truly labored to receive an answer. I wrestled with God to know his will and to have the courage to follow his will. I awoke at 1:30 this morning feeling very nervous wondering, "Will I have the courage to call Dr. Nelson and say Mastectomy? Is this the right answer? I know Heavenly Father knows the beginning and the end. He knows me, a daughter of God and being such I'm given strength and power.

Morning light came as did the answer. My burden is lighter with the answer that the mastectomy followed by reconstruction is what needs to happen. Kelly received the same confirmation and as the day has progressed this wonderful peace provided by the Savior's Atonement has continued to fill my soul. I am so grateful that I don't have to be alone in this decision. I have the guidance of a wonderful, supportive husband and even more I can turn a loving Father in Heaven that wants only the best for one of his children.

The MRI

Today was the day for the MRI which stands for Magnetic Resonance Imaging. This is the second MRI I've had in my life and I wasn't looking forward to laying in a tube while the magnet pounds in my ears. I have claustrophobia and wasn't sure how I would do in this crazy tunnel. Thankfully I got to lay on my stomach and listen to John Denver and it wasn't too bad. You all know how much I LOVE John Denver and how much singing is in my blood. I wanted to sing along and tap my foot---not really very conducive to lying still.

We decided dinner at Olive Garden would be the treat following our Family Home Evening at the Huntsman Center. We had my favorite--all you can eat Soup, Salad and breadsticks. Kelly dishes up his salad and decides that he doesn't want the red onions. My thought "Ooooh, I love red onions. I'll eat them, besides their cancer fighting.' Cancer fighting--Now that's funny.



That brings me to the Ultrasound just after the second mammogram. The Doctor doing the ultrasound asks, "So what do you do for a living?" Since I didn't hear him he had to repeat the question. I tell him that I work as a clerk at the Magna Bishops' Storehouse. He said, "I ask because you're dressed so smart." Later that evening as I was reflecting I had to laugh. I'm lying on the table waiting in my black dress slacks, black leather shoes and a hospital gown. YES, this hospital gown does make quite a fashion statement. I think everyone should have one, don't you?

Diagnosis

This week has been a very spirit filled week as we have felt the prayers of so many. My Manager, Scott, came to work and told me that he and his little family were praying for me. I can imagine in my mind his wife and four cute little daughters family kneeling in prayer with him. It is very humbling to know that we are remembered in so many prayers. We feel the power from those prayers that are offered in our behalf. Our children informed us that they had planned a family fast set for today. Once again we are humbled by their love and concern and the desire they have to ask Heavenly Father to bless us. I know this will be a family experience and that these sacrifices will bring all of us closer to our Father. I look forward to each of you sharing your experience and feelings as we share this together. Life has been easier now that we have a diagnosis of cancer. This week will be a time of decision making and more waiting. I think that one great blessing through all of this is living in Salt Lake City so close to the Huntsman Cancer Institute. It's a beautiful facility and the staff there are experts in their field. They work as a team and the team discusses all of the options, so we know that I will receive the best care possible. We met with the surgeon, Dr. Nelson, on Thursday. I will have an MRI on Monday afternoon to determine if there is just one mass and that will determine what type of surgery will take place. Dr Nelson's nurses were amazing and so knowledgeable. I have confidence in their experience. Thursday was also our Stake Day of Sacrifice at the temple. Spending the morning in the temple, knowing that I and our family's names were added to the prayer roll, was very comforting. I know that the Lord is very aware of our concerns at this time. Life is good!!!!

The unknowing is the hardest.

I'm told that there is a mass that we're concerned about, we're going to do an ultrasound. During the ultrasound the Doctor finds that he wants to do a biopsy. Forty five minutes later I'm sent home with the instructions that, "you should have the results in three to five days". The waiting and the unknowing are the worst and these are the longest 5-6 days of my life. During this wait, I have many hours to contemplate my life and what it will look like in the future. I rehearse my past in my mind thinking "Is there something I could have done differently or that I would like to go back and change?" Of course, being a mortal being there are always things we wished we could do over, but that's just not possible, so once again I rehearse, "Am I living the life I was intended to live right now?" I come to the conclusion that I am at peace with who I am and the life I have led and am living. Now the question, "How is my faith?" Thankfully, God blessed me a strong faith while I was yet very young. That faith has been strengthened over many years of trying to serve Him the best I can. Faith, I have really learned this month, is a gift. A gift from a loving Father and as we act on the small amount of faith we are given, he grows and strengthens it. And yet, there is that little twinge of "Do I have the faith to endure this cancer with courage and optimism. As I have contemplated this experience my mind as gone to the scriptures. Mark 9:24 specifically has strengthened me as it teaches about a father that brought his child to the Savior to be healed. The Savior asked the father if he believed that all things could be done if he believed. The father cried out with tears, "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." This has been the feeling of my heart as we waited and waited. Help thou my unbelief. Kelly has been a complete and total strength to me as we waited together. The Lord has been with us. We have felt his calming power in our home and in our lives. I especially have felt the Spirit work within me. It's important to understand that trials are meant to refine us and help us become the people God intends us to be. I love how Lehi teaches Jacob, one of his younger sons, this lesson. 2 Nephi 2:2 Lehi says to Jacob "thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain. In my scriptures I have the word "consecrate" circled with the notation of "make holy". As we faithfully endure the trials of this life the Lord will make our lives Holy. They will need to be holy to return back and live with him. Isn't that what we really want--to return and live with Father, As A Family? I know this is the beginning of several months of building for our family. I am grateful for a supportive, priesthood husband, for the love of wonderful children and the strength of superb grandchildren. The Lord has also blessed us with fantastic extended family and there are no better friends that those in our lives. This great support system will sustain us as we experience this together as a family.